The Weird and The Wacky Meet

Where YouBetIAm comes to write….

Your Life:  What the Heck is Going to Happen?

Aries – March 21 to April 19 – You’ll be excited when you hear that they want you to play a key role in the Human Gnome Project, but your eagerness will turn to horror when you find out that “Gnome” isn’t a typo for “Genome”, and that your key role involves participating in breeding experiments intended to produce a slave race of short, obedient workers to compete with Chinese prison factories.

Taurus – April 20 to May 20 – Your life will take a sudden turn for the worse when you realize it’s your mission to pants ducks.  Only indecision and heartache can follow, because you’ll be hard-pressed to decide whether this means you should put pants on ducks or put pants on ducks, pull them off, then run away screaming, “muhahahaha.”

Gemini – May 21 to June 21 – You’ll find yourself in a very profitable fashion business when you mistakenly read “Cat in hat” as “Cat as hat.”  Still critics find fault with your insistence on keeping all Cats As Hats alive, but it’s mostly because you don’t trim their claws.

Cancer – June 22 to July 22 – Growing up is hard to do.  But you’ll find that maturing does not mean taking down all of your X-Files posters, nor will it do anything to abate your paranoid schizophrenic episodes.  Mainly because the truth is they really are out to get you.

Leo – July 23 to August 22 – Fame and fortune are yours forever when you invent a device that will successfully convey sarcasm over the internet.  Sadly, once your friends find out you mock them over instant messenger, they cease chatting with you and only talk to online spam bots that are irony free.

Virgo – August 23 to September 22 – Someone will tell you to act on your instincts.  Ignore them because your instincts usually involve bowling balls, matches, and lady’s hat pins.  Don’t be discouraged even though everyone knows that just isn’t right.

Libra – September 23 to October 22 – Expect a piano to fall on your head this month.  Don’t worry, you’ll live and go on to produce some of the finest classical/cartoon music ever made.  Still, the massive head injury will put you out of commission for at least a little bit.

Scorpio – October 23 to November 21 – A fear of broccoli will save your life when a giant rat starts living in the space where you keep your spare tire.  It’s really best not to question exactly how this will happen, because this is one place where truth really is stranger than fiction.

Sagittarius – November 22 to December 21 – Your feud with the United States Postal Service will end in a disqualification when your mailperson hurls water balloons filled with hot sauce at your freshly waxed bicycle.  Who decides that this should count as a disqualification will remain a mystery.

Capricorn – December 22 to January 19 – All jokes aside, it’s really time to stop being so weird.  Soon, you will be asked to write up a column of fake horoscopes if you don’t tame your inner strangeness.  Or maybe you just volunteered to do it because, like I said before, you’re weird.

 Aquarius – January 20 to February 18 – Quit sneaking into classrooms when you’re not enrolled in the class.  Eventually you will get caught, and while you were doing “A” work for the class, the teacher will be cranky that you knew more about Quantum Mechanics and it’s relationship to leprechauns than he did.

Pisces – February 19 to March 20 – Reality television producers will be fighting to film your daily activities if you can just keep juggling your job as a lion tamer/ballet dancer/janitor.  The series will be called, “Bite!  Jump!  Plunge!” and be very much the success.

Copyright 2005

Clupid Bloroscope

By Amanda Evans

Date: 05/05/05