The Weird and The Wacky Meet

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New Identification System Has Students and Faculty Covering Their Necks

                 At a press conference last Thursday, Housatonic Community College unveiled plans to install microchips into the neck of every student and teacher.

                 The new system, called BannerBand™, is the brain child of Microsoft founder William Gates.  HCC went into a partnership with Gates in order to test the new technology out on students.

                 Percival Armstrong, the Director of the Office of Institutional Innovations at HCC, had this to say about BannerBand™, “[it’s] a multifunctional opportunity for a multitasking society.”

                 No warning was given to students and teachers about the implementation of the new system.  Armstrong went on to say that he didn’t feel that students or teachers would have any objections to BannerBand™.

                 HCC student Anita Banana said, “I can’t believe that the school would start something like this without consulting anyone.  Don’t students count for anything?  Doesn’t our tuition fund this place?”

                 Humanities Professor Charity Ball echoed Banana’s sentiments saying, “Students need to organize to at least get a chance to express both sides of this issue.  I’d be willing to advise such a venture.”

                 BannerBand™ works by implanting a small digital transmitter and receiver into the back of the neck.  Armstrong classified the procedure as non-invasive, but when it comes to implantation, the law disagrees.

                 According to Elaine M. Ramesh, of the Franklin Pierce Law Center, “[A microchip system], once in place, may be difficult to dislodge despite limitations of individual freedoms because its advantages will be extremely attractive. The positive applications may be said to outweigh the detrimental legal consequences at that time. Therefore, it is not too soon to consider the repercussions that mandatory microchip implantation would have.”

                 Ramesh has done her research, finding that, as early as 1891, Supreme Court Justice Horace Gray ruled, “[n]o right is held more sacred, or is more carefully guarded, by the common law, than the right of every individual to the possession and control of his own person, free from all restraint or interference of others, unless by clear and unquestionable authority of law.”

                 Student protest groups have already started forming around the campus.  Christian Fellowship Club President, Femura Cherrypeak, feels that the new system might go against Biblical law.

                 “The Bible tells us not to defile our bodies.  Why is the school trampling on my right to my religion,” says, Cherrypeak.

                 Students can start coming in to receive their BannerBand™ chips next week in the nurse’s office.

Copyright 2004

by Amanda Evans

Date: 10/12/04